Missing a part of me
by here4rizzles
Summary: Jane Rizzoli serves in the army, leaving her wife Maura Isles and their five-year-old daughter at home in Boston. How do they deal with missing her? How do they deal with her coming back?
1. Chapter 1

**Missing a part of me**

A little girl with dark curls and brown eyes hops her way through her bedroom in search of her pajama bottoms. She is jumping in excitement while she throws her blankets away, trying to remember where she put them last night. "MOMMY!"

"Yes?"

"I can't find my-…" she spots them under her bed and drops on her knees. "Never mind!" She wiggles out of her jeans and throws them in a corner before putting on the blue pajama bottoms. She hurries towards the bathroom to brush her teeth. Her mommy told her she had to put on her pajamas AND brush her teeth first. She tries to brush her teeth the proper way, like her mommy told her to, but she's too impatient. It takes too long. She spits, rinses her mouth and throws her toothbrush into the cup next to the sink. Her short legs run as fast as she can out of the bedroom, towards the sound of her mother's voice. "Is Mama still there?"

"Yes, she is." Maura looks up at her daughter and pats the spot next to her on the bed. "You are just in time." She helps the girl up on the bed and shifts the iPad so she can look at the blurry image on the screen.

"Hi, Mama!" She looks at the dark-haired woman on the screen and she has to swallow a lump in her throat suddenly. Her mama smiles at her. She loves her Mama's smile. It always makes her smile as well.

"Hi, pumpkin." Jane says lovingly, her movements shaky due to the bad connection. "How was school today?"

"Good, we did math again."

"Oh, how was that?"

"Fine," the girl shrugs and shifts to her mommy's side when the blonde's arm wraps around her shoulders. "Is it still so hot over there?" She furrows her brow, still having trouble understanding how it can be the middle of the day where her Mama is, while it is already bedtime in Boston.

"Yeah, crazy hot. But I'm kinda used to it by now."

The girl hesitates for a moment and fumbles with her hands before asking her next question. "Did you have to fight today?"

"No baby," Jane shakes her head. "I don't really have to fight anymore, unless it's an emergency."

"When's an emergency?"

"Like…" Jane sighs and looks at Maura who is looking at their daughter with concern in her eyes, "…like last month, when Joe got sick, I had to fill in for him. Then I had to fight. But that was only once and it wasn't so bad. Now I'm just here doing my job."

"I don't understand your job." She pouts and shifts down against the headboard of the bed, her mother's warm arm still wrapped around her.

"You don't have to," Jane chuckles. "it's a pretty boring job."

"The army's not boring. Being in the army is brave."

Warm lips press a kiss on the girl's temple and a sense of sadness fills the room. Maura sighs and brushes her daughter's hair back. "It's time for bed, darling," she says softly. "Time to say goodbye."

"Okay." She nods and looks back at her Mama. "The list is getting long, Mama," she says softly. "I was out of pins last week."

"I know, baby," Jane replies, her voice suddenly unsteady. Her daughter has been keeping count of the days she has been gone. For every day, she puts a pin in a little square on her wall. The squares are the days that Mama will be gone, the pins are counting the days until she will come back.

"There's a lot of squares left," she whispers. It seems like there is no end to it. Even though she adds a pin every single night before she goes to sleep, there are still too much squares.

Jane doesn't reply. It's hard to tell because of the bad connection, but it seems like she has tears in her eyes. She coughs and wipes her face with her hands. "I have to get back to work," she says softly. "I'm sorry. Can I talk to Mommy for a while?"

"Okay." The girl sits up and purses her lips at the camera, watching Jane do the same. "Kiss."

"Kiss." Jane smiles and touches the screen in front of her. "Sleep well, pumpkin. I love you."

"I love you too."

Maura looks at her little girl and blinks away the tears that fill her eyes. She kisses the girl's temple and squeezes her against her side before letting her slide of the bed and head back to her bedroom.

"How is she?" Jane's voice sounds through the device in her hands.

"She's okay." Maura smiles at her wife. "She misses you."

Jane nods. "I miss her too," she whispers. "More than I could ever imagine."

Maura looks at the woman she loves so much and sees defeat in her dark eyes that stare at her from the cold screen. She would give anything to be able to be in her arms again. Just to feel her skin against hers, her warmth and her strong arms around her. She would do anything to feel her lips on hers, be able to run her fingers through those long, dark curls and wrap her arms around that strong, tall body. She touches the screen and it's like the coldness of it sends a painful spark through her hand. "I miss you, Jane," she whispers. "We miss you."

"I know."

Maura sighs and tries to get rid of the tears in her eyes. They don't get to talk every night but when they do, she never seems to be able to stop her tears. "I should put her to bed."

"Another pin," Jane says with a weak smile.

"Another pin. One pin closer to the end." Maura smiles at her wife. "I love you, Jane."

"I love you more."

She looks at the image of her beautiful wife until the screen goes black and the only thing she can see are her own teary eyes in the reflection. "I love you," she whispers, mostly to herself.

"Mommy?" a mess of curls appears in the doorway, dark eyes filled with concern as she looks at her mother on the bed. The little girl sighs and walks towards her mother, climbing back up on the bed and sweetly wiping a tear from Maura's cheek with her small hand.

Maura holds back a sob and puts the iPad away to pull her little girl into her arms. It's often like this when they get to talk. Maura gets emotional and her five-year-old daughter is there to comfort her. She has Jane's heart. She can't stand the people around her being in pain and she will do anything to fix whatever she can. She has the kindest heart and Maura couldn't be more proud of her girl. She's her sunshine, the one that gives her light in these times that can feel so dark. Her little Elise.

"It's such a long time, Mommy," Elise says softly into her mother's chest. "What if I don't remember her?"

"Oh, honey…" Maura kisses her daughter's curls. "You won't, I promise. She'll always be your Mama. Your Mama who plays baseball with you, your Mama who knows the rules to that card game so much better than I do," she smiles when Elise giggles softly. "Your Mama who smells like lavender and fresh air, who is so very strong and always makes you laugh with her stupid jokes," she gets another smile from her daughter and strokes the girl's cheek with her thumb, "your Mama who's always so grumpy when she wakes up, who forgets to buy fruit and who knocked your tooth out…"

Elise laughs and it's like the sound heals a part of her broken heart. She looks at the girl on her chest and sees the adorable gap in between her lower teeth. She looks like Jane. She has her dark eyes and that healthy pink blush on her cheeks. She loves her so much. So very much. She could never have imagined she would grow so much love the minute she became a mother. From the first moment she held their baby in her arms, she knew she wouldn't be the same person ever again. She was a mother and that role fit her perfectly. Sure, she had her doubts. Especially when Elise was being difficult and Jane wasn't around with her quick wit and clever way of dealing with their outspoken daughter, she doubted if she was a good mother to Elise. But in moments like this, when the girl comes to her and buries herself in her mother's arms because she is the one to give her comfort, she knows she is doing her job. No mother is perfect, she knew. But as long as she loves her child, she is on the right track.

"Mommy?"

"Hm?"

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

Maura sighs, knowing it is good for the little girl to sleep in her own bed. But she can't resist the pair of pleading dark eyes looking up at her. She smiles when she brushes her hand through her daughter's dark curls. "Okay, just for tonight."

Elise smiles and moves under the blankets, snuggling into the pillow that is normally Jane's but is now often used by their daughter. At nights like this, she just wants to be close to her mother. And if she's honest, Maura really doesn't want to sleep in an empty bed tonight. So even though Elise kicks in her sleep and moves around even more than Jane does, she puts on her pajamas, finishes her nightly routine and crawls into bed next to her little girl. It's too early to sleep but she's utterly exhausted.

"Oh no," Elise mumbles and slides out of bed, hurrying out of the room.

"What's wrong?"

"We forgot the pin!" she calls back when Maura follows her.

She smiles when she watches Elise searching through the box of pins. "What will it be today?"

"A ladybug." She holds up a small pin with a ladybug and reaches up to pin it in the little square that stands for today. She steps back and admires the wall of her bedroom, filled with too many colorful pins now.

Maura stands behind her daughter and places her hands on the girl's chest when the girl rests back against her mother. "There are a lot of pins behind us," she says softly.

Elise nods. "More than the squares that's left."

"Exactly." She kisses the top of the short girl's head. "She'll be home soon."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N Thank you so much for your kind reviews! This is a hard story to write, so I appreciate every single one of you. I have inspiration for a few more chapters, so I hope you're interested in reading more. I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think! I appreciate feedback, ideas or just a quick message. Thank you again, so much! (Also; my other stories are a bit on hold but I'll continue them, I promise!)_

 **Complete**

It's a difficult night. There's a pin with a white flower in the latest square and even though there are only seven squares left, it feels like much more. Elise is quiet that night. No matter what Maura tries, she doesn't want to talk. She crawls into her shell and just shrugs her shoulders when her mother asks her something. Maura knows what the problem is. She wants Jane. Some days, she just wants someone to run around with, to laugh with and to roughhouse with. Frankie offered those things that afternoon but it's not the same as her Mama.

Rain is dribbling down outside while Maura helps her daughter brushing her teeth, the proper way this time. She gently makes the girl put her head back so she can get the back of her mouth. "Okay," she says when she finishes. "All done."

Elise rinses and spits and walks out of the bathroom towards her bedroom. They already did the pin tonight. "We're getting to the end, honey," Maura says while she helps her daughter get into bed.

Elise nods. "Feels long, though."

"I know." Maura sighs and sits down next to the girl, tucking a curl behind her ear. She doesn't know what to say. She wants to get Elise's mind off it but she's not sure how. "Tomorrow is Saturday," she whispers. "We can do something fun together if you'd like."

Elise shrugs her shoulders. "Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know." She rests back against the wall, looking at her daughter sitting next to her. "We could have breakfast at that restaurant you liked."

"The one with the playground?"

"Yes, that one."

"Okay." A small smile curls the girl's pink lips and she leans into Maura's side.

"Then we could go shopping, you really need a pair of new shoes instead of those awful sneakers."

"Ugh." Elise wrinkles her nose. "I don't like shopping."

Maura chuckles. She's so much like Jane. She wears her shoes until she grows out of them and does anything not to go shopping for new ones. "I'll order some online."

"Can we have movie night tomorrow?" The girl looks up at her mother, her dark eyes pleading.

Maura smiles at the beautiful sight. "I think that's a wonderful idea."

"I know one I wanna watch."

"Which one?"

Elise raises her chin, looking smug. "I'm not sayin'. You'll see tomorrow." 

"Okay then," Maura chuckles and kisses the side of her daughter's head. "I can't wait." She moves to make the girl lie down and tucks her under warm blankets. "Time for sleep, baby." She leans down and gives her a kiss before brushing her hand over her pink cheek. "Sweet dreams."

"G'night, Mommy." Elise turns on her side and yawns, indicating that she'll be sleeping soon.

After looking at her beautiful girl for one more second, she turns off the lights, closes the door and heads downstairs where the remnants of dinner are still on the kitchen counter. They had fried chicken, Elise's favorite. The girl barely managed a smile when she saw it. Maura smiles to herself in relief when she thinks about the fact that her daughter went to bed relatively peaceful.

She puts the plates in the dishwasher and throws away the green beans Elise refused to eat. When she closes the dishwasher, she hears the sound of a key in the front door and furrows her brow.

"Angela? I thought you were-…" The door opens and it's like she's suddenly nailed to the floor. For a moment, she is sure she's dreaming. Hallucinating, fantasizing, maybe. This can't be real.

"Maura…" A raspy, low, familiar voice calls out her name and it's like Maura's body finally melts from being frozen. She runs from the kitchen; towards the woman she still can't believe is real.

She stands still in front of her, looking into those dark eyes she has only seen on screen for so long. They are way better in real life and sparkling with love and tears. She's wearing a pair of washed out jeans and a grey army sweater and she looks absolutely gorgeous. It's not real. Maura shakes her head. The disappointment will only be bigger if she believes it's real. The dream will end soon. It's a realistic dream this time, but it'll end.

"Maura…" Jane repeats and she drops her bag. She reaches out her hand and touches Maura's arm and that's the moment the blonde collapses.

"Oh, my God…" She sobs and throws her arms around the woman in front of her. "Oh God, it's real." She claws at her back, pulling herself against her wife. She's here. She's real. She can feel her skin, her warmth, smell her smell. She smells like an airplane but there's still a hint of lavender there. She tangles her fingers in those dark curls she had wanted to touch so badly for such a long time. "Jane…" Her voice is barely above a whisper and it's more like a cough than a real word. She pulls back to look at her wife, still clutching her arms around the brunette's neck. "You're here."

Tears are filling Jane's eyes and she nods. "I'm here." She reaches up and cups Maura's cheek, looking deeply into her eyes before leaning forward and closing the distance between their lips.

The kiss encourages another flood of tears but Maura treasures it. There's no feeling like the feeling of her wife's lips on hers in a heated, chaotic kiss. Her lips are just like she remembered. Warm, fierce and a little chapped. When Jane breaks away, she pulls her back and kisses her over and over again, gently, softly and lovingly. "I love you-…" she kisses her again, "so much, so much." She cries and feels Jane resting her forehead against hers.

Jane can't speak. She can't find the words to explain how much she missed her wife, how much she loves her. They stay quiet and just stare at each other, Maura's fingers combing through her wife's dark hair, Jane's arms wrapped tightly around her lover's body. Jane's eyes speak of so much love, but Maura sees pain. She's seen horror. She's seen war and death and it has taken its toll. She moves her hand towards Jane's cheek and strokes her jaw with her thumb. "You're home early." 

"I wanted to be here earlier but my flight got delayed…"

Maura cuts her off with a kiss, eliciting a chuckle from both of them. "I'm sorry-… I just can't believe you're here. I can't stop-…" she presses her lips against hers, "I can't stop kissing you."

Jane smiles. "You don't have to." She captures her lips again, both women out of breath as they stand in the hallway, tightly wrapped up in each other's arms, completely overtaken by each other's presence and the love in their kisses. They kiss for a good ten minutes until Jane breaks away. "Elise…" she whispers hoarsely. "I want to spend hours doing this but I need to see her…"

"Of course." Maura smiles and takes her wife's hand. "I just put her to bed, I don't think she's sleeping yet."

Jane gently pulls away and runs upstairs. Maura chuckles at the sight. She's missed their daughter so much. She stands behind her wife when she opens Elise's bedroom door, taking a deep breath before softly calling out. "Elise…"

The girl's eyes are closed. Maura walks past her wife, squeezing her arm and shaking Elise's shoulder. "Elise, baby. Are you awake?"

The girl opens her eyes, furrowing her brow. "Hm?"

"There's a surprise for you." Maura moves away and Jane steps forward while the girl sits up and rubs her eyes.

Her eyes go wide and her mouth falls open. She doesn't respond for nearly five seconds until Jane says her name again. "MAMA!" She jumps up and Jane is at her side in a flash, lifting her daughter up in her arms and hugging her as close as she possibly can.

She has kept her tears mostly at bay, until now. She lets out a sob when she hides herself in her daughter's familiar dark curls, the girl's short arms wrapped tightly around her mother's neck. Tears stream down her face when she kisses Elise's head over and over again,

Maura watches them with tears in her eyes, seeing their dark curls mingling, both their dark eyes filled with tears. She steps towards them and gently wipes a tear from Elise's cheek, feeling Jane's strong arm pulling her into the embrace. "Isn't that a surprise?" Maura asks quietly, nuzzling her daughter's cheek while wrapping her arm around Jane's waist.

Elise nods, too overtaken to reply. They stay like that for a long time until Jane slowly lets them go, placing Elise on her hip to look at the girl. "Look how much you've grown," she says softly, the last of her tears drying on her cheeks. "You're so big!"

"'Cause I'm five." Elise smiles proudly.

"I know, you're a big girl now."

"And look-…" Elise pulls down her lower lip and shows her missing tooth. "I lost another one."

"Wow! How'd that happen?"

"I eated an apple."

"Ah, so no baseball incidents this time." Jane chuckles, referring to the time she accidentally knocked her daughter's tooth out.

"Nope." Elise shakes her head and leans forward to snuggle back into the crook of Jane's neck. "I missed you, Mama."

Fresh tears fill Jane's eyes as she rubs the girl's back. "I missed you too, baby." She looks at Maura, resting her cheek against Elise's head. "More than you'll ever know."

There's a strong kind of sadness in Jane's eyes. Elise has grown. A lot. And she missed it. She wasn't there when she lost her tooth, she wasn't there to see her growing into the child she was now. She wasn't even there when she turned five. That night was, without a doubt, one of the worst nights during Jane's absence. Elise had a fun birthday but that night, she broke into tears, wishing her mama was there to celebrate with her. They couldn't connect due to lack of internet where Jane was, which made it even worse. Maura remembered rocking the crying girl to sleep that night.

She witnesses her wife and daughter and feels her heart bursting with love for them. They are her life, and her life is finally complete again.

Jane moves Elise to her front and sits down on the girl's bed, resting against the wall and taking her daughter in her lap while Maura sits down next to her. "I have so many things I wanna tell you guys, but at the same time I have no idea what to say."

Maura smiles, pressing her lips against Jane's temple and inhaling her scent. "Why don't you start with how you got home three weeks early?"

"Oh, I pulled some strings." Jane smirks and brushes her fingers through Elise's curls. "Someone is filling in for me."

"Why?"

She shrugs. "I wasn't doing so good. They let me off early."

Maura furrows her brow and sighs, snuggling herself against Jane's side to be as close as possible to the woman she loves. "What happened, my love?"

Jane kisses Maura's forehead and takes a breath before answering. "I missed you."

Maura is not sure if that's it or if there's more. She knows how much it can hurt to be away from the ones you love. She knows how it can make you physically ill when you feel like a part of you is missing. But she also knows the things Jane has seen. The things she has been through. Maybe it all got too much. She decides not to get into it and averts her gaze towards Elise in Jane's lap, the girl still looking up at her mother as if she's a dream.

"It's really her, Elise!" Maura chuckles and strokes her daughter's cheek. "Hard to believe, isn't it?"

Elise nods slowly but then her eyes turn wide and her mouth curls up into a bright smile. "The pins!" She hops off Jane's lap and runs towards the wall, grabbing the box with pins while Maura leans herself against her wife's side. They watch their daughter filling all the squares with the pins that are left. She claps her hands and turns back to her mothers. "All done!"

"Impressive." Jane laughs and her arms wrap around her wife. "You really put one for every day, huh?"

"Yep. But sometimes I had to do two 'cause I slept at Grandma's."

"But other than that," Maura says while inviting the girl next to her on the bed, "we really did a pin every single night."

"That's a lot of nights…" Jane says softly, staring at the wall.

"Too much!" Elise crosses her arms and looks sternly at Jane. "So many nights I can't even count them."

Jane sighs and tries to smile but the statement hurts her. She chose to take the job but it kills her that she has to leave her family for it. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispers. "You're right, it was too many nights."

"But you're back." Elise smiles and moves to sit up on her knees. "How's the dog?"

Jane chuckles, thinking about the dog she introduced them to through Facetime. "He's fine, he's staying over there."

"You couldn't bring him?"

"No, baby. He's an army dog. He kinda has a job over there."

"Really?" Elise's eyes go wide. "What's his job?"

"He can find explosives and stuff." Jane smiles at the girl when she explains it to her.

Maura can't stop staring at her wife. She looks at Elise with so much love and care and her eyes are sparkling when she talks to her. Maura swallows when Jane's arm wraps even tighter around her. She's so close to her. She can feel her, smell her, kiss her. And endless feeling of gratitude overwhelms her. It's like her heart is complete again after being incomplete for so long.

They talk for a long time, catching up on everything and nothing. Elise is bouncing and glowing with happiness and Maura just can't stop touching her wife. After a while, it really is time to try and get Elise to go to sleep. They manage to put her to bed and Jane gives her an endless amount of kisses before turning off the lights and walking out of the room.

Immediately when they enter the hallway, Maura's lips are on her wife's. She pulls herself against the taller woman, trying to be as close to her as she possibly can. "Oh, babe…" she whimpers when strong hands pull her blouse out of her pants. "Let me love you, Jane," she whispers against her wife's lips. "Please, let me love you."


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N Thank you again for your reviews, I am overwhelmed and incredibly grateful for you all! I hope to get back to all of you when I get the time! Please notice the change to M-rating for this chapter. Hope you enjoy, let me know!_

 **Passion**

" _Let me love you, Jane," she whispers against her wife's lips. "Please, let me love you."_

Jane averts her gaze towards her feet and she rests her forehead against Maura's. "It's not pretty, Maura," she whispers, barely audible. "Th-there are more scars… I developed some kind of acne, it's-…"

"Jane." Maura silences her wife by gently lifting her chin so she can look into her eyes, seeing those dark eyes filled with tears. "You, my love, are beautiful no matter what."

Jane shakes her head but Maura stops her from speaking. She takes her hand and leads them towards the bedroom, closing the door behind her and looking at the tall brunette that is staring at her feet while fresh tears fill her eyes. "I don't want to disappoint you, Maur."

"You could never." Maura furrows her brow, swallows a lump in her throat and gently takes her wife's hand between hers. "I love you and you'll always be gorgeous to me." She puts her hands on the brunette's hips and looks deeply into her eyes. "We don't have to if you're not ready. We can just go to sleep."

Jane swallows hard but she shakes her head. "I want to. I missed you way too much." She leans forward to kiss her wife's lips. "I don't think I can keep my hands off you if I tried." She smirks through the tears in her eyes. 

Maura chuckles. "I feel the same way, Jane," she whispers, reaching up to cup her cheek. "I finally have my beautiful, _sexy_ wife back." She moves her hand down Jane's side, along her toned abs, towards her hip backwards to put her hand in the back pocket of her jeans where she squeezes softly. "You just tell me when to stop," she says quietly.

Jane nods and presses her lips against her wife's, gently pushing her back until her calves hit the back of the bed. They lower themselves on the bed, laughing against each other's lips while Jane's hands find their way under Maura's blouse.

In a few seconds, Maura's blouse is on the floor, her skirt somewhere on the bed and Jane's sweatshirt is pulled over her head, revealing a white tank top. She freezes slightly when Maura tries to lift it over the toned abs. She stops immediately and pulls back to look into dark, hesitant eyes. "Tell me when to stop," Maura whispers.

The brunette closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She guides Maura's hands, lifts herself up slightly and pulls the top over her head. She lowers her head when Maura looks at her. "Jane," she lifts the soldier's chin and kisses her lips. "You're beautiful."

She moves her hand towards her wife's shoulders and back, gently tracing the angry red spots, down to the fresh scar on her side and the scratches on her left arm. She looks up into her lover's eyes but doesn't ask how she got them. She gently lowers the taller woman and moves down to press her lips against the angry scar on her side, kissing it carefully. "Beautiful," she whispers. "My strong, beautiful," she kisses her collarbone and jaw, "brave, sexy," she moves up to her lips, " _amazing_ wife."

"Shrapnel," she whispers hoarsely when Maura's hand rests on the scar on her side. "Roadside bomb, nothing bad."

Maura nods but she can't stop the tears that fill her eyes. She hates the idea of Jane even being close to any kind of bomb. She moves her hand towards Jane's upper arm, gently tracing the scratches there.

"Barbed wire," she explains softly. "I had to be fast." She closes her eyes when Maura's hands move towards her back. "Stress, I think." She takes a deep breath before grabbing the blonde's hand and moving it to her neck, lifting her hair to let her finger's feel the scar there. "Same barbed wire when I helped Jamal get through it."

Maura smiles sadly, loving the fact that her wife is so open about her scar, but at the same time hating to hear the ways she got injured. She kisses soft lips and looks into her eyes again, allowing Jane to lead her hand down to her thigh that is still covered by her jeans. They don't need words. Maura slowly unbuttons the jeans and slides them down her wife's legs, swallowing a lump in her throat when she sees an scar that has already turned white.

"Got grazed by a bullet, the last time I was in the field. Got pulled off it after that."

"You didn't tell me."

"You would've worried too much."

She's right, Maura knows it. But she still wished Jane had told her.

"That's it," Jane shrugs and smiles sweetly. "No more, I promise."

Maura nods. She captures the brunette's lips in a loving kiss that lasts longer than she intended, parting her lips to taste her wife. She moans involuntarily and feels an old familiar ache between her legs. "God, I missed you," she whimpers against Jane's lips. "Thank you." She smiles and traces the scar on her side. "For telling me."

"What about you?" Jane whispers. "Any scars? Battle wounds, newfound adolescent breakouts?"

Maura chuckles. "None that I know of." She smiles and lowers herself on top of her wife, her head resting on the brunette's chest as their legs tangle together. She kisses the soft skin of her neck and smiles. "Oh wait, yes." She lifts her arm and shows Jane her wrist. "I burnt myself a while ago."

Jane's brow furrows. She takes her wife's hand and kisses the scar. "How'd that happen?"

"Oh, the coffee maker-…"

"I told you that thing would bite you in the ass eventually!"

"It did not!" Maura gasps and lifts herself to look at the smirking woman beneath her. "I was just in a hurry and Elise was being difficult."

Jane just smirks. She crosses her arms and wiggles her eyebrows. "Hm hm."

"Oh shut up." Maura can't help but laugh when she sees the smug look on her face. She silences her with an almost bruising kiss on her lips that starts out playfully but ends up more passionately than either of them expected. A quiet moan escapes Maura's lips and she feels Jane's hands roaming over her back. "Jane," she moans against her lips. She takes her lover's hand and gently places it over her breast, feeling her nipple hardening at the touch.

Jane swallows and presses a suckling kiss on the blonde's neck, her hand gently massaging. They take their time. They take their sweet, lovely time to appreciate every single inch of each other's body. Maura kisses each and every scar, traces the scratches and marks, kisses every inch of lovely skin she longed for so long.

When Jane enters her she lets out an audible gasp and throws her head back, smiling and moaning when she fights to keep her eyes open. "God… I f-forgot how good you feel," she whispers.

Jane just hums and whimpers when Maura does the same to her, smirking when the blonde slowly licks her fingers. "I forgot how good you taste."

"Jeez, Maura." She rolls her eyes and chuckles under her breath.

"What? Don't get childish on me and laugh at my attempt to-…"

"Don't say it." Jane interrupts her, knowing she'll kill the mood with a scientific term she won't understand.

Maura tilts her head. She purses her lips but the sparkle in her eyes betrays her.

Jane laughs and turns them around, hovering over her wife and chuckling against her lips when they kiss. "I love you, Maura," she whispers.

Maura shakes her head and tries to refuse but her wife's hand on her ass cheeks are making her give up. "I love you too," she replies softly, arching her back when Jane slowly slides her fingers through ample wetness. "Damnit, I love you so much."

"Watch your language, doctor Isles."

Maura groans. It's impossible to think clearly, let alone form proper words when Jane touches her like that. "J-Jane…" She takes a deep, shuttering breath and tries to compose herself but she's too far gone.

Despite Jane being absolutely exhausted, they make sweet love for a long time. Maura fights the tears in her eyes when she watches her beautiful wife climax, feeling her flying over the edge with her; it's the best feeling in the world. And afterwards, how she looks so completely satisfied, happy, peaceful.

And so, so beautiful. She watches her wife's closed eyes, those pink cheeks, sharp cheekbones, dark curls splayed on the pillow beneath her, a slight sheen of sweat covering her chest, her strong arms loosely wrapped around Maura's waist.

When Jane opens her eyes, she notices her lover staring at her and she smiles shyly. "I forgot how good that felt," she whispers hoarsely. "I forgot I could feel this good."

Maura cups Jane's cheek with her hand, gently stroking her cheekbone. "It's even better than my imagination," she replies. "And trust me, I've used my imagination a lot lately."

Jane chuckles lightly, staring deeply into the blonde's eyes. "I even forgot how beautiful you are," she whispers. "You blow my mind, Maura Isles."

Maura shakes her head, blinking away the tears in her eyes. She turns on her side and pulls Jane with her to push herself as close to her as possible. It's been a long time since she felt desirably, sexy, beautiful, even. Sure, the way she dressed would always turn a few heads here and there, but the way Jane makes her feel just by looking at her… There's nothing compared to it. There is an endless amount of love that has no boundaries, no limits.

She leans forward and rests her forehead against the brunette's, taking her hand in hers and resting them on her chest. "I am finally complete again," she whispers.

Jane nods slowly. "I know what you mean. Feeling incomplete sucks, hm?"

"Oh yes, it _sucks_." Maura snuggles herself against her wife. She loves the feeling of the brunette's naked skin against hers and moans softly while they both wiggle to get comfortable. "I would love to go again, but we really need to sleep. Elise will be waking us at the crack of dawn tomorrow."

"Really? I didn't think it was possible for her wake-up time to get even earlier. What is it now, 5AM?"

"Oh, no. She can sleep in now, she manages to sleep past eight sometimes! But when something very excited is happening… She tends to wake up awfully early." Maura smiles against Jane's warm skin and snuggles herself impossibly closer. "And her Mama being back home is very, very exciting for our little cuddle bug. So I'm sorry, I don't think we'll have the quiet time to sleep in tomorrow."

Jane smiles. She tightens her arms around her wife. She kisses the top of her head and sighs contently. "I can't wait."


	4. Chapter 4

**No more pins**

"Okay, where do you keep your pajamas these days?" Jane opens a drawer filled with a lot of things but pajamas.

"In the white closet!" Elise points at the other wall while wiggling out of her jeans.

"Right." It stings her that she doesn't know where her daughter's pajamas are. It's something so small, but she hates that she doesn't know. She hates that she wasn't there when Maura decided to redesign the content of Elise's closet. She hands Elise a clean pair of pajamas; white pants with a yellow T-shirt that is a bit too big for the small girl.

They brush her teeth and finish her bedtime routine before heading towards the girl's bed, passing the wall with the pins. Elise looks at it and smiles when she turns to look at her mother. She takes the brunette's hand before climbing into bed.

Jane smiles at the beautiful girl that is her daughter. Her dark curls, not as thick as hers but just as unruly, those brown eyes, the healthy pink blush on her cheeks, her adorable chubby children's belly and her short but slim limbs that tell her she'll one day have Jane's figure… And that gap in her teeth when she smiles. She is the most adorable five-year-old and Jane knows it. "Okay, pumpkin. What's the story for tonight?"

Elise stand up on her bed and reaches up to the shelf of books, searching for a second before grabbing one. "This one. Mommy starts it yesterday."

"Alright." She sits down with her back against the wall, stretching out her legs and pulling Elise into her lap. "Where did Mommy stop last night?"

The girl finds the bookmark and opens the book, snuggling against her mother when Jane starts to read. Her small hand rests on her mother's stomach, her head on the brunette's chest as she listens intently to the story that is probably a bit above her level.

When she finishes, she closes the book and wraps her arms around her daughter as they stay silent for a while until Elise sighs. "Mama?"

"Hm?"

"When's you have to go back?"

"Back where?"

"To the war…" 

Jane sighs and kisses the top of Elise's head. "Not for a while, baby."

"How long is that?"

"Well… I'm home for at least three months, probably more."

"That's pretty long, right?" Elise looks up at her mother and Jane can't resist those beautiful brown eyes.

"Yeah, baby." She brushes her hand through her daughter's dark hair. "That's pretty long." She sighs and tries not to say the words 'not long enough' out loud. She loves her job. She loves serving in the army, saving lives, fighting for her country. But the fact that she has to miss her daughter's life kills her. The little girl in her lap means everything to her and she deserves to have her Mama. She just can't shake the feeling of guilt.

"Can we have a dog, Mama?"

Jane chuckles. "What?" 

"I wanna have a dog! Like you had in the army." 

"I don't know, honey. Dogs are a lot of work."

"Please? Pretty pretty pretty please?" she uses those eyes again, knowing very well how to persuade her mother.

Jane laughs and pinches the girl's cheek. "I'll talk about it with Mommy, okay?"

"Fine." She pouts, already knowing how that conversation will go. Again a long silence falls, Elise is relaxing more and more against her mother.

"Mama…" her voice is small and quiet, "I don't want you to go away again…" 

Jane swallows a lump in her throat, trying and failing to blink away the tears in her eyes. She can't reply. She knows Elise doesn't want her to go, but to hear her saying it out loud hurts her heart.

"Why's you not have a job over here? Like Mommy?"

"Because I'm in the army," Jane replies hoarsely. Her voice is unsteady and a tear trickles down her cheek. "That's my job."

"But… Can't you get another job?"

Jane swallows again, wiping her tears before wrapping her arms around her daughter. She doesn't reply which prompts Elise to continue. "I like when you's home."

"You do?"

Elise nods. "Yeah. A lot, a lot, a lot." She snuggles almost painfully against her mother and giggles when Jane tickles her. "Mommy's happier when you's home. And you play better softball than Mommy."

Jane chuckles. "Of course I do." She kisses her daughter's head. "I'm gonna try and stay home longer this time, Elise. I promise."

Elise smiles but Jane knows she won't realize the difference between three or five or six months. Eventually, Jane will have to leave again and that's what Elise will remember.

"I just really miss you, Mama," Elise mumbles quietly. "Sometimes my stomach hurt really bad and Mommy says it's 'cause I miss you."

"Really?" Jane furrows her brow and unconsciously moves her hand to gently stroke her daughter's belly.

"Yeah. One time I didn't has to go to school and I could stay home with Mommy."

"Hm…" Jane sighs. "When was that?"

Elise shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know… There was a lot of pins left." She turns her head and looks at the wall. "Really a lot."

Jane gently combs her fingers through her daughter's curls while kissing her forehead. "There are no more pins now," she whispers. "No more stomach aches, alright?"

"Yeah." Elise smiles and rests her head on her mother's chest, moving in close while reaching under her pillow to find her little blanket she always sleeps with. She snuggles the thing against her nose and sucks on her thumb while sighing deeply. "Are you gonna stay with me tonight?"

Jane sighs. "No, baby. I'm gonna sleep with Mommy tonight."

"Why not?" Elise pouts, turning on her side.

"Mommy missed me too, honey. And I missed Mommy."

"Didn't you miss me?"

"Of course I did," Jane says softly, wrapping her arms tighter around her daughter. "More than you know, baby." She moves to get comfortable and reaches out to turn off the light on Elise's nightstand. "How about I'll stay with you until you fall asleep, hm?"

Elise nods. "Okay."

It doesn't take long before the girl is breathing steadily, comfortably lying on top of her mother, her blanket fallen away from her nose and resting on Jane's chest. Jane knows she should go back downstairs to her family, but she can't pull herself away from her sleeping daughter.

She relaxes and gently rubs the girl's back for a while until she hears footsteps coming up the stairs. The footsteps stop in the hall and she hears someone kicking off a pair of heels, telling her that Maura will enter the room.

"Hi," the blonde smiles warmly at her wife. "I thought I might find you here." She carefully sits down on the edge of the bed and strokes Elise's cheek with the back of her fingers. "Is everything okay?"

Jane nods but she raises her shoulders at the same time, telling Maura that she isn't really entirely okay. "Fine," she replies quietly. "This just-…" she sighs and closes her eyes. "This reminds me how much I missed her." She turns her head on top of Elise's to look at her wife. "And you."

Maura smiles and leans forward to press a kiss on Jane's lips. "Tommy and your mother are ready to leave, do you want to say goodbye? Or are you going to stay with her tonight?"

Jane shakes her head. "No, I'll join you."

"Okay." Maura nods and waits until Jane finds the courage to carefully untangle herself from their daughter. She puts her down and tucks her in, pressing a loving kiss on the girl's temple before quietly walking out of the room to say goodbye to her family.

She tries to avoid the subject of how long she'll stay home, but her mother is persistent when they stand by the front door as Angela zips up her coat. "Three months is not a long time, Jane," she says in her familiar raspy voice. "I'm just saying! You might want to stay home a little longer-…"

"That's not entirely up to me, Ma. You know that."

"Don't you think it will be good for you?" Angela tilts her head and looks at her daughter with concern in her eyes. "Y'know for you and-…"

"Don't." Jane interrupts her. "Don't-…" she sighs deeply, "this is my decision, okay? I'll make it together with Maura, and that's it."

Angela nods, knowing she won't win this. "Okay." She cups her daughter's cheek and kisses the other one. "I love you, Janie," she says quietly. "I'm happy you're back."

"Me too, Ma." Jane smiles and pats her mother's arm when Frankie honks the horn of his car, impatiently waiting for his mother. "Go, before he leaves without you."

"I'm coming!" Angela groans and shakes her head. "You'd think he'd want to spend more time with his sister, but now that he has a girlfriend she's all he wants to spend time with! Unbelievable!"

Jane chuckles at her mother's familiar tone. She missed it. She feels Maura's arm wrapping around her waist as they wave the family goodbye before closing the door. She sighs and wraps her own arms around her wife, feeling her resting her head on her chest while she kisses her perfectly styled blond curls. Her soft hands roam across her back and find their way under her blouse where she makes gentle strokes.

"We should go to bed," Maura whispers against the taller brunette.

"Hm." Jane just hums and sighs deeply. She's not looking forward to going to sleep. Last night was okay. She had one nightmare, but she managed to keep silent and avoid waking Maura. But she knows tonight will be worse. It always is. The first night is okay, she's overcome with emotion and happiness of having her wife back in her arms. But then the nightmares come. Then the memories flood her dreams, the things she's seen, the images she'll never forget. She doesn't want to make Maura worry, so she tries to keep her worries to herself. So at least for now, she keeps herself closed off.

When they settle into bed, she can't stop herself from wrapping her wife up in her arms and kissing her passionately for what feels like hours. They don't go any further and both women don't want it any other way. They eventually fall into a sweet slumber, tangled in each other's arms and reveling in the love for each other. It's just a matter of hours before Jane wakes up panting.


	5. Chapter 5

**When the nightmares come**

Maura rolls on her left side, finding the bed empty beside her. She reaches out her arm and feels that the sheets have turned cold. "Jane?" She sits up, expecting to see the lights in the bathroom on, but everything is dark around her. She furrows her brow. Grabbing a robe from the chair, she ties it around her waist and walks out of the room.

She opens Elise's bedroom door and finds the room dark, the girl sleeping peacefully. The guestroom is empty, as well as the second bathroom. When she reaches the top of the stairs, she hears faint pounding coming from downstairs.

There, in the room that used to be her yoga room, Jane is frantically punching the boxing bag that is attached to the ceiling. She doesn't notice her wife in the doorway, she doesn't notice the tears that fill Maura's eyes when she sees the harshness and pain in the brunette's punches. The soldier's muscles are trembling and her top sticks to her back with sweat, her curls are getting away from her ponytail and her bottom lip is tucked behind her teeth.

When she turns slightly to punch from a different angle, Maura sees the amount of pain in her wife's eyes and she has to swallow a lump in her throat. She's familiar with this look, but it seems worse this time. She lets Jane punch for a few more minutes until she notices her wife's legs shaking, telling her that she's been at this for too long.

"Jane." Maura enters the room, her arms wrapped around herself. She knows the kind of trance Jane is in right now. She shouldn't break it harshly. Carefully she enters her line of sight and manages a hopefully reassuring smile. "Jane…"

Jane looks at the blonde for a split second but then shakes her head and turns her back to her.

"Jane, sweetheart…"

"No." She grunts and hits again, this time even harder than before.

Maura knows it's no use to try and stop her, not when she's like this. She takes a deep breath, whispers one more "Jane…" and then steps back. "I'm here," she says softly before turning around and leaving the room.

She stops in the hall and rests against the wall, her head falling back, her eyes closing as tears burn being her eyelids. The look in Jane's eyes is burned in her mind. It's not like last time. It's worse. When she got back last time, she went through a few therapy sessions but she claimed she didn't need them anymore. She seemed okay. So she went again. But this time… She doesn't seem okay.

She lets herself slide down the wall and sits with her legs pulled up to her chest, listening to the sounds of her wife taking out her pain. It takes long. She doesn't know how long, but her feet are freezing and her muscles are stiff by the time she finally notices the punches slowing down.

It takes a while before it's completely quiet. Maura focuses on the sounds in the room and hears panting, along with a few last, weak punches. She doesn't enter the room. She knows Jane needs her space.

After a few moments of silence, she finally stands up and steps in the doorway. Jane is sitting on her knees, her head fallen down, her hands on the floor in front of her, her arms shaking. Maura decides she's given her enough space. She kneels next to the brunette and places her hand on her sweaty back. She tangles her hand in dark curls and rests her forehead against Jane's temple. She doesn't speak. They just stay like that for a few moments until Jane starts shivering.

"Come here," Maura gently pulls Jane by her arm to try and get her to stand up. It takes a while, but eventually Jane responds and stands up on weak legs. Maura doesn't know how long she's been punching, but she knows it's a long time and Jane has worn herself out completely. Jane Rizzoli is an incredibly strong woman, but she's taken her body too far now.

She takes her wife's hand and Jane follows her willingly, allowing Maura to lead them upstairs towards their bathroom where she gently peels off her sweat-soaked tank top. She pulls down her shorts, along with her cotton panties and turns on a hot shower. She helps take off Jane's bra and she notices her wife stiffening when she touches her back that is now filled with spots and scars. She walks around her wife and sees shame in brown eyes. She wants so badly to tell her wife how beautiful she is, how much she loves her and how sexy she looks. But she doesn't want to break the silence that makes Jane allow Maura to help her. So she shifts and turns off the lights, only leaving on the one above the mirror, leaving the bathroom in dimmed lighting.

Taking Jane's hand again, she squeezes it before sliding off her robe and pulling her nightgown over her head. She slips out of her underwear and gently, slowly urges Jane under the warm spray of the shower.

There, when the water hits her back and soaks her hair, tears start trickling down the brunette's cheeks. There are not much tears but they are thick and heavy and they come from a great deal of pain. Maura grabs a sponge and adds a flower-scented body foam, gently rubbing Jane's back, arms, legs and eventually her chest. She finally manages to look into her wife's eyes and she can't stop tears from filling her own. She bites her lip and cups Jane's cheek, accidentally leaving a trail of foam.

"I'm sorry," Jane whispers hoarsely.

Maura shakes her head. "Don't be."

Jane lowers her gaze towards her feet, watching the water flowing down the drain. She can't talk about this, not yet. Maura knows it. But she's indescribably happy that she allows Maura to help her. She doesn't back away when Maura tries to touch and she lets her wife wash her body.

When she finishes rinsing her off, Jane slowly raises her hands and shows Maura her flaming-red knuckles. "Th-they hurt…" she whispers.

Maura blinks away tears in her eyes. She nods. "We should cool them," she whispers through the lump in her throat. These words mean the world to her. The fact that Jane admits she's in pain, even if it's the physical pain that completely fades compared to the pain of her memories, it's a big step for the tough soldier. Maura knows so very well how big that step is.

When they have dried off and Maura has wrapped herself in her robe again, she runs downstairs to get an icepack from the freezer, hurrying upstairs to avoid being away from her wife for too long. She finds Jane sitting up in bed, pulling an old T-shirt over her head. She hisses when she bends her fingers.

"Shh," Maura gently takes her wife's hands. "It seems a contusion," she whispers. "It'll be sore for a while. If it gets worse, we'll have to check for fractures."

"I'm fine."

Maura looks into Jane's eyes. "You're not," she puts the icepack on her knuckles, "but that's okay."

A short silence falls where Jane just stares at her hands and Maura stares at her wife. She sighs and places her hand on Jane's knee. "Was it a nightmare?"

Jane nods, slowly.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

She shakes her head no.

"Okay."

"I'm sorry…" Jane looks up and meets her wife's gaze, her eyes shimmering with tears. "I can't-… Not yet."

"It's okay." Maura smiles and places her hand on the back of Jane's head, gently pulling her forward to kiss her forehead. "I love you," she whispers against flushed skin. "So much."

"I love you too," Jane replies quietly. She lifts her head and slowly presses her lips against Maura's, kissing her softly.

Maura closes her eyes and feels her heart filling with love at the heartfelt kiss. It tells her that Jane isn't pushing her away. It tells her that she will eventually let her in, when she's ready. Butterflies dance in her stomach and her heart swells with love when they break apart and look into each other's eyes.

They don't speak when Maura stands up and walks to the other side of the bed, turning off the light when she does. She slides under the covers and pulls Jane with her to lie down. "Will you wake me next time?" she whispers in the dark.

Jane hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to bother her wife. She knows she doesn't want her to worry, but she nods eventually.

"Thank you." After one more loving kiss, she lowers her head into the pillow and wraps her arms around her wife's waist, pulling her as close as she possibly can.

She feels Jane's legs tangling with hers and her arms wrapping around her as well, slowly making their way under her pajama top until a high-pitched squeal interrupts the silence.

"What?" Jane's eyes widen in shock but Maura laughs and squirms away from her wife's touch.

"Y-Your hands are freezing, Jane." She wiggles away from them and laughs when a smile curls Jane's lips.

"Right, icepack." Jane smirks and rests her hand on top of Maura's pajamas instead of her skin. "Sorry."

Maura giggles and snuggles herself into her wife's shoulder. "I love you," she whispers again.

"I love you more," Jane tightens her arms around the blonde and kisses the top of her head. "G'night, Maur."

"Sleep well, my love."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N Thank you so much for all your kind reviews and messages! I got a lot of questions to continue this so I decided to update. It's a short and mostly sweet chapter, the next one will be bigger I hope. Let me know what you think!_

 **Recover and continue**

When Maura wakes up the next morning, she feels her wife's steady breath against her chest and sighs in relief. At least she's sleeping, for now. She looks at the alarm clock and notices it's still early. Just when she closes her eyes to try to get some more sleep, she hears a door opening down the hall and light footsteps patting towards their room.

The door opens slowly and dark curls appear, along with the sleepy form of her daughter. Maura puts her finger in front of her lips. "Shh, Mama's still sleeping…" She carefully untangles herself from her wife, trying to avoid waking her. She manages to get out of bed and leans down to pick Elise up from the floor. "Good morning, baby." Maura smiles and quietly closes the bedroom door behind her. "Did you sleep well?"

Elise nods and hums softly. "Why's Mama still sleeping?"

"She's just tired," Maura takes her daughter downstairs, knowing she won't be getting any more sleep that morning. She enters the empty living room and shivers. "It's getting so cold," she turns up the heat and watches Elise scurrying off towards the television.

"Can I watch television?" she asks, already searching for the remote.

"Just for a little while," Maura agrees while she sits on the couch next to her daughter. She looks at her and lovingly brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. As amazing as it is to have Jane back home, it does feel a little strange. It's not just her and Elise any longer. She smiles when the little girl tucks her legs up on the couch and turns to rest herself against her mother. Maura kisses the top of her head and wraps her arms around her daughter's stomach while she snuggles against the blonde.

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Is Mama sick?"

"No, baby. She's just tired." Maura sighs as her fingers make gentle circles on the girl's stomach. "Why do you think she's sick?"

Elise shrugs her shoulders. "I dunno. Just thought so."

Maura smiles sadly. Elise is a bright little girl; she senses Maura's concern about her wife. "Mama will be okay, honey. It's just difficult for her to get used to being home again."

Elise furrows her brow. "Why?"

"Well… Mama's in the army, she's been in war. She has to process everything she's been through-…" she looks at her daughter and sees the girl looking at her with her brow furrowed, her dark eyes questioning. "Mama has seen a lot of bad things. She has to try and forget those things, and that's not easy."

"What kind of things?"

"Awful things," Maura whispers, noticing a sudden lump in her throat. She doesn't know herself. Jane prefers not to talk about it. But she knows it must be awful. "War is an awful thing to see."

Elise nods, looking intently at her mother. "But why's there war? Everyone has to stop make war, then there's no more bad things!"

Maura smiles sadly. "If only that could happen," she says while brushing her fingers across Elise's cheek. "The world would be such a beautiful place."

"Does Mama have to go back to the war?"

"We don't know yet," Maura swallows and pulls her daughter back to her previous position. "That's something to worry about later. Right now we just get to enjoy having Mama back home."

Elise seems satisfied with that answer but Maura's thoughts keep on roaming. There are so many questions left. Why did Jane come back home early? What truly happened that made them transfer her to a different, safer unit? What are the things she's seen? The things she's done, who are the people she's lost? Maura knows those questions will eventually be answered but she wishes she knew. Just so she could help her.

They stay silent for a while, Elise focusing on the television. When Maura hears a sound coming from upstairs, she gets restless and decides to check on her wife. "Baby, I'm going to see how Mama's doing, okay?" She kisses her daughter's head when the girl nods and she untangles herself before heading upstairs.

In their bedroom, Jane just comes out of the bathroom after emptying her bladder and brushing her teeth. She smiles tiredly when she sees her wife. "Morning."

"Good morning." Maura gently kisses the taller woman and looks into her eyes that scream exhaustion. "How are you feeling?"

Jane shrugs. She sits on the edge of the bed to put on a pair of socks. "Tired?"

"And…?" Maura takes place next to her wife.

"And… Exhausted."

Maura just shakes her head and leans forward to kiss the brunette's cheek and rest her forehead against her temple. She feels the tension in her muscles and tries to massage her wife's neck with her fingers. "Jane…" Maura whispers, her forehead still resting against her lover's temple. "Why did you come home early?"

Jane lowers her head. She stays silent.

"My love…" Maura pulls her hand away from her neck and wraps it around Jane's shoulders. "Why did they send you home?"

"How do you know they sent me?" Jane's voice is hoarse and unsteady, her head hanging low.

"I just know." She knows Jane wouldn't leave early by choice. There must have been someone in charge that sent her home. Which means there was a reason to send her home.

"I don't know if I can talk about it, Maura," Jane whispers. Her fingers are fidgeting and her shoulders are tense.

"Then let's just try," Maura replies quietly. "Piece by piece, not even the whole story. Just-… Little pieces."

Jane nods slowly but it stays quiet for a long time. They stay in the same position, waiting patiently until Jane finds the courage and the words to say what she wants to say. Finally, after minutes of silence, she sighs deeply and squeezes her hands together. "There was a girl," she whispers hoarsely. "A little younger than Elise. She-…" She sighs again and her knuckles turn white from squeezing so hard.

Maura gently takes her wife's hands and untangles her fingers, massaging them with her thumbs.

"She looked like you," Jane whispers, her voice so soft it is barely audible. "Her hair was darker but her eyes were like yours and she had freckles."

When Jane stays quiet, Maura brushes her fingers through the hair at her neck. "What happened to her?"

Jane shakes her head. She can't continue. Her muscles tighten even further and she stands up and rubs her forehead. Her breathing quickens and she starts pacing.

"It's okay," Maura stands up as well, standing in front of Jane. "You don't have to, it's okay."

Jane just shakes her head again. "I can't." She bolts out of the room, leaving Maura with tears in her eyes and a sense of guilt hurting her stomach.

She blinks her eyes to try and get rid of the tears, taking a moment to compose herself before going after her wife. She finds her downstairs pulling Elise off the couch and swinging the laughing girl through the air. There's a weak smile curling Jane's lips which tells her wife she's suppressing her true feelings. Maura decides to let it slide. It's okay for now. The fact that Jane even mentioned a little girl is a big step. Yes, it leaves Maura with even more questions but she's incredibly happy Jane has opened up, even if it's just a tiny little bit.

"Who's my little cuddle bug, huh?" Jane smirks when she tickles Elise's belly, the girl nuzzling against her mother's neck as she rests on her mother's hip.

"'s You sick, Mama?" she asks after a while when she stops giggling.

"No, baby. I'm fine. I'm just tired, that's all."

Elise nods and seems happy to have the affirmation that her mother is really okay. Jane kisses her messy curls and allows her to wiggle out of her mother's arms. "How about we fix up some breakfast?"

"Pancakes!"

Jane chuckles. "Wow, I haven't had those in a really long time."

"Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!" Elise jumps up and down and tugs on Maura's robe. "Mommy!"

"I heard you," Maura laughs. "Go get out the green bowl, then we get started."

Elise squeals and runs towards the cupboard, eliciting a chuckle from both her mothers. Maura feels her wife's hand on her lower back and looks up to see a loving smile curling her lips. She's more at ease now, which calms Maura's heart.

"You better intervene over there, Maur," Jane says with a chuckle, "I'm pretty sure she's located the flower."

"Elise, NO!" She gasps and hurries towards her daughter, but it's too late. The floor and Elise's pajama bottoms are both covered in white flower, two wide dark eyes looking up at Maura.

Elise's bottom lip quivers and she fumbles with her hands. "I'm sorry, Mommy…"

She sighs deeply and shakes her head. "It's not your fault."

"Well, this day is off to a good start." Jane smirks and lifts Elise out of the mess on the floor. "How about we get this cleaned up while Mommy gets started on the pancakes?"

"Well, I'm not sure there's enough flower left."

Elise tucks her head into the crook of Jane's neck, guilt etched on her young face.

"Maura." Jane tilts her head and looks at her wife as the blonde stares at her flower-covered floor.

She looks up and her shoulders drop when she sees her daughter, her heart immediately melting for the little girl. "Oh baby, I didn't mean it like that." She cups her daughter's cheeks to lift her head. "It just scared me a little, that's all." She smiles at the girl. "Kiss?"

Elise seems to relax and allows Maura to cover her cheek in kisses. "Can I still help make the pancakes?"

"Yes, you can."

"After we clean this up, alright?" Jane squeezes her and lets her go. "You gotta clean up when you make a mess, then there's pancakes." She smiles at Maura and shakes her head, eliciting a chuckle from her wife. "And then we'll be ready for a long day of doing nothing."


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N I should apologize for last chapter, it was not very good, I wrote it when I was very tired and I only checked it once. I might delete it someday; I'll leave it up for now but just know that I'm not happy with it. Anyway! I hope to make it up with this one because here it is; Jane's story. It gets a little graphic here and there, but I tried to keep it subtle. I hope I did the story justice, I tried my absolute best._

 **The truth**

While Elise has been tucked in to bed a while ago, Jane and Maura sit cuddled up on the couch while the television plays something meaningless in the background. It's late and both women are tired, but Maura knows Jane is scared to go to sleep. She's afraid of the nightmares, the memories, afraid of the dark. So they stay awake, trying to keep their eyes open while sipping on a glass of red wine and a beer for Jane.

Maura has no idea what the program is about. Jane's arm is wrapped around her shoulders and she is curled up into her wife's side. She doesn't need to focus on the television. It'll just distract her from this wonderful feeling of being in her lover's arms.

After a long silence, Jane clears her throat, effectively catching Maura's attention. "Her-… Her name was Najia," she whispers, her voice barely audible, a lump clearly lodged in her throat.

Maura shoots her attention towards her wife and holds her breath, knowing how incredibly difficult it is for the brunette to do what she is about to do. Tell her story.

 _They told us it was a routine visit. They told us we were just going to drop off some supplies, check the area and leave. If I knew how this would eventually impact me, I might not have gone that first time. I had no idea._

 _Her eyes immediately caught my attention. They were sparkling, green with tiny bits of dark brown. Her lashes were long, lips pink, a healthy blush on her cheeks. Her eyes reminded me of those eyes I love so much, those eyes I miss more than anything, belonging to the person I miss so much it physically hurts me sometimes. Her hair is frizzy and a darker shade of blond, she's wearing a blue dress that is a bit too big for her, no shoes on her feet._

 _I don't know why, but something immediately pulled towards her. I kneeled in front of her and she looked up at me, a little fearful. I smiled and she smiled back. She showed me the ball in her hands, a tennis ball hat looked a hundred years old. From that moment on immediately, I closed her in my heart. I took the ball and we threw it back and forth for a while until I had to get working._

"Oh, Jane…" Maura whispers when her wife takes a pause and a deep breath.

"She looked like you, Maura," she says hoarsely. "Like-… Like she could've been your kid…" She stares at the wall, her expression blank, her fingers pulling on the label on her beer. "We couldn't communicate but we had this connection…"

 _After the first day I met her, I went back to the orphanage as often as I could. Whenever I got a break between shifts, I visited. I smuggled apples and other snacks to give to the kids. I developed a connection with the women that took care of the children. They were happy whenever I got the kids off their hands for a while as I taught them to play baseball or yet another game I made up. But that one girl, Najia, I couldn't get her off my mind. She had this calmness over her. She was quiet, but whenever I came or left, she clutched herself to my leg and held on tight until I lifted her up for a big hug._

 _They told me her mother had died not long ago, during the birth of her baby sister. Her father died in the war. She and her sister were left at the orphanage with no family left, no safe space and nothing to hold on to. I tried not to bond with them too much, knowing I had to leave at some point. But it happened. I couldn't stop it._

Maura knows where this is going, but she stays silent. The atmosphere in the room is loaded and she has unconsciously placed her hand on Jane's knee, simply wanting to let her know she's not alone.

 _The day my world collapsed was a Thursday. Just a random Thursday in the field. We did a practice run early that morning, other than that it was quiet. The weather was scolding hot, the sun burning like crazy. When I got a break that afternoon, I took my chance to visit the orphanage._

 _As soon as I walked onto the field, I saw Najia running towards me. She said something in her own language I didn't understand and before I knew it I felt the familiar feeling of her small arms wrapping around my legs. I lifted her into my arms and felt her squeezing around my neck, pulling herself close._

" _Hi, friend! How are you today, hm?" I felt her snuggling against me, sensing her desperate need for motherly love. The people here are doing the best they can, I know they are. But this child needs a mother. She needs someone to hold her, to give her a goodnight kiss, someone to love her, to hold her when she cries, to kiss her boo-boos away and to lock her in their heart. If only I could be that person for her._

 _She pulled back and raised her finger, babbling something I didn't understand before managing to say with a heavy accent, "Hello Jane, I love you."_

 _I gasped and tickled her belly. "Wow! Where'd you learn that?"_

 _She beamed proudly at me and pointed towards the building, saying another girl's name. Probably the girl that taught her that bit of English. "I'm proud of you, Najia." I chuckled and moved her towards my hip. "I love you too," I said, making clear that those words are a proper reply._

" _Too?"  
_

" _Yeah, too." I nodded and she nuzzled back against me. I think those words were the truth. I didn't love her like I love Elise or Maura, but I definitely loved her. I still do._

 _We walked into the building and Delara comes towards us, concern edged on her face. I greeted her and I immediately knew something was wrong._

 _She told me in the bit of English she knew that Najia's sister was sick. She motioned me towards the bedrooms and I followed her, Najia still clinging to me. I think she knew something was wrong._

 _Her sister was coming down with a huge fever. I didn't know what was wrong, but the little baby was all over the place. Crying uncontrollably, her nose running, cheeks hot red. I decided to bring her back to camp for a check-up. I knew it's not standard routine, but this baby was sick. I wanted to help her, so badly._

 _If only I didn't. If only I stayed at the orphanage. If only I stayed there thirty minutes longer. But I didn't. I took the baby in an old stroller and said goodbye to Najia. She squeezed her arms so tightly around my neck I could barely breathe, probably begging me to save her sister, begging me without words._

 _She told me those words 'I love you' again and I replied with 'I love you too'. I kissed her cheek, smelled her unwashed scent, ran my hands through her tangled hair and let her go._

 _I took the baby back to camp and begged the doctor to help her. He protested at first but in the end I was persuasive enough. He was checking her and I was trying to calm her down the same way I used to calm Elise when she had cramps or something. I rubbed her belly and quietly hummed a song I made up in my head._

 _When I just reached the second part of the song, Mike came running towards us. He was panting, sweating like crazy. "Jane," he shook his head. "The orphanage-… Bombing-…"_

" _No…" I heard myself whimpering and it seemed like my legs had a life of their own. I don't even remember driving towards the orphanage. I just remember arriving there in the waste of what was a perfectly fine building just a while ago. Another team was already on it, searching for children that had made it. There was a fire on my left, bricks falling down on my right, children crying in front of me. They got out a few, badly injured. Najia wasn't there._

 _My legs were barely able to hold me up and I felt myself shaking. So many injured. So many deaths. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to leave. I hated war. Innocent children being killed, that was the world I was living in. I was living in the pits of hell and I wanted to get out of there. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Boston, to the loving arms of my wife and the endless love that is my daughter. I hated the army. I hated war. I hated it all._

 _Suddenly I saw two men carrying a women outside, heavily injured, blood on her head, unable to walk, barely able to breath. Delara. "Delara!" I rushed towards her, stumbling over my own feet. "No…" I took her hand in mine while her dark eyes looked up at me. I immediately saw she wouldn't survive._

" _Baby…" she whimpered._

 _I nodded my head while the first tears spilled on my cheeks. "She's safe, she's okay."_

 _Delara nodded weakly and closed her eyes. The men carrying her felt her last breath leaving her lips and dropped their shoulders. Another death to this attack._

" _Are there more children inside?" I asked them, noticing how desperate my voice was sounding. "What can I do?"_

" _Left, bedrooms." He pointed at a part of the building that was barely standing. He didn't have time to say more._

 _I rushed inside, mentally kicking myself for entering a building that was probably about to collapse. What I saw in there immediately broke my heart into a million pieces. If this was war, I didn't want to see any part of it ever again. I saw those innocent faces, those children that were once so full of life._

 _I knew I would find Najia somewhere. I knew she wouldn't have survived. She wasn't a fighter like most kids. She was the girl that hid in a corner when she was scared. She was the kind of girl to hide in the dark instead of running fast or fighting back. I wouldn't find her alive. Just like all these other kids. Najia might have taken a special place in my heart, but in that moment my heart ached for all of them. Every single one of those sweet, innocent souls, free of evil, taken away by the pure evil of mankind._

 _There was nothing I could do. I didn't have enough medical training to help the injured, I knew myself well enough to know I was too mentally unstable in that moment to be of any help. I walked away. Turned my back to the horrors behind me. I passed a truck and saw two men lifting a little girl into their arms and gently putting her on a blanket on the ground._

 _Those eyes. They immediately caught my attention. Still beautiful, but without sparkle. Empty. Lifeless. I shook my head when they started to cover her with a sheet. I dropped to my knees and all I remember is frantically wiping the tears from my eyes because I just wanted to see her one last time and those damn tears were blurring my vision._

 _While my vision blurred, it was like Najia blurred into someone else. Suddenly I saw dark curls instead of straight auburn hair. Suddenly I saw my daughter, my precious Elise, lying there, covered in dust and blood, lifeless. I choked on a sob and shook my head to try and get rid of the image. I don't know how long it took me to calm down, but I know the sounds around me started to quiet down by the time I managed to open my eyes and look at her again._

 _As I looked at Najia lying there, Mike kneeled next to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gently, very slowly closed her eyes. "She's in a better place, Rizzoli," he said quietly. "There's no war in heaven."_

 _Mike was a simple guy. He wasn't the most intelligent of us, but he was kind. God, he good be dumb sometimes, but he had a good heart. Those words he said in that moment still haven't left my mind. She's in a better place. There's no war in heaven._

"That's what I see in those nightmares," Jane whispers, her voice nothing more than a rasp. "Her, lying there." She closes her eyes and tries to get rid of the vivid memory in front of her eyes. It doesn't help. It only gets worse. "You know what the name Najia means?"

Maura shakes her head. She can't speak. It's like her heart has just gotten more and more broken with every part of Jane's story. It was worse than she expected. Tears are trickling down her cheeks but she still doesn't make a sound. There's a stupid diaper commercial on the television, which seems even more cruel now. The wine in her glass is completely still and she watches her wife's face in the light of the TV, her dark eyes filled with endless pain. "No," Maura whispers through her tears. "What does it mean?"

"One who escapes or is saved."

"Oh, Jane…"

"Ironic, huh?" A sour smile curls Jane's lips. "I couldn't save the one that is saved. I devote my life to save as many people as I can, to fight so wars can stop… And I can't save her."

"Maybe you did," Maura says quietly. "She's escaped from this world, from the war."

"I should've been there," Jane shakes her head and her hands squeeze around her beer bottle. "I should've stopped it."

"How could you have?"

"I don't know." She sighs and looks up to try and blink the tears away from her eyes. "I just know I should have."

"If you were there," Maura replies quietly, "you would have been caught in the attack. You might not have been here right now."

Jane looks up at her wife, for the first time since she started talking. "I would've given my life to keep all those kids alive, Maura. I'm just one soldier. There were over fifty kids there. Those lives are worth so much more than mine."

Maura swallows a lump in her throat. Of course Jane is right. But to her, Jane's life is worth everything. If Jane wouldn't have come home, she would be utterly and completely lost.

"I should've saved them. I should've saved Najia."

When Jane's hands start squeezing the bottle harder and harder, Maura is afraid it might break so she gently takes it away. She puts it on the coffee table along with her own glass and takes her wife's hands in hers.

"They sent me home after that," Jane whispers. "I was doing bad, real bad. I kept blaming myself, I made mistakes in the field… They sent me home early." She sighs deeply and her hands ball into fists under Maura's soft touch. "When I see Elise playing, smiling… I keep thinking Najia should've been there too. She should be playing around right now. All those kids should have." She closes her eyes and lowers her head. "Najia didn't even get to be as old as Elise is now."

Maura can't take it any longer. She lets go of Jane's hands and wraps her arms around the taller brunette. "My love…" she whispers, tears trickling onto Jane's hair as she rests herself on her wife's chest. They curl up into a corner of the couch, snuggling to get as close to each other as possible while Maura lets her tears fall and Jane lets herself relax after finally telling her story.

She desperately claws at Maura's back and eventually lifts her shirt, resting her hands on her wife's warm skin. She needs to feel life, feel warmth and love. Maura pulls her as close as she possibly can but there are no words. She can't think of anything to say, nothing to comfort her, nothing seems fitting.

Jane has seen horror. She has seen the absolute worst of war. She has been traumatized, broken, through hell and back. But she's there. Breathing, alive in Maura's arms. In that moment, Maura promises herself she would do anything to get her wife through this. She will be there during the sleepless nights, during the panic attacks, the anger, the fights that will undoubtedly happen. She'll be there to hold her afterwards. She'll be there to listen to this horrible story over and over again. She'll be there to listen to the rest of it, if there's more. She'll be there to try and mend her broken heart. She knows it'll be hard. Jane's heart isn't just broken in two. The war has left it in a million pieces, all over the place. But Maura vows she'll spend the rest of her life finding and mending every single piece of it. There will be scrapes and bandages and they might be there forever, but she knows they will get through it. She has no idea how, but they will. She knows it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Treasures**

They sit in the same position for a long time. Maura cries until she feels like her tears are all gone, Jane doesn't say a single word. She's all talked out, there are no more words left to say. She's told her story and now she's empty. Even Maura can't find words to say. She wants so badly to comfort her wife, but she has no idea how. There are no words to make this better.

When the clock hits the small numbers of the night, both women hear a door open upstairs, followed by small footsteps walking down the hallway. They wait until their daughter's voice calls out 'Mommy?', and Maura sighs before lifting her head. "Downstairs!"

The footsteps walk down the stairs and a mess of dark curls appears. "Hi, baby," Maura smiles tiredly when the girl walks towards the living room. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"My tummy hurts…" she places her hands on her belly and pouts slightly.

Maura knows these kinds of stomach aches. Most of the times it just means she wants to spend the night in her mothers' bed instead of her own. "Oh, where does it hurt?" Maura untangles herself from her wife and opens her arm for their little girl.

Elise shrugs. She climbs into her mother's lap and snuggles in close. "I don't know, all over."

"Hm." Maura purses her lips and looks at her wife next to her, seeing dark shimmering eyes looking at Elise. The tears in her eyes become heavier until one of them rolls down her cheek. Maura reaches out her hand and gently takes her wife's. "My love…"

Jane shakes her head. She can't speak.

"Mama?" Elise has noticed her mother's pain and looks at her with concern in her dark eyes.

Maura sighs deeply. She kisses the top of her daughter's head and gently untangles her from the embrace, lifting her and placing her in Jane's lap. "Here you go, my baby," she whispers. "I think Mama can use some kisses right now."

Jane chokes on a sob she's trying to hold back. She presses her lips against Elise's temple and wraps her arms tightly around the little girl.

"Mama why's you crying?" Elise's brow furrows and she tries to pull away but Jane doesn't let her, she keeps the girl close to her chest.

When Jane doesn't answer, Maura gently strokes her daughter's cheek with the back of her hand and smiles. "Mama's a little bit sad, that's all."

"Why?"

She doesn't answer that question. Elise is too little to know the details of this story. She brushes a curl out of her daughter's face. "We should get upstairs," she whispers. "Sleeping on the couch won't be comfortable."

Jane hums. She takes some time before she gets up, muscles stiff from lying in the same position for so long. She lifts Elise into her arms, the girl's legs wrapping around her mother's waist as she stands up and walks upstairs. "You wanna sleep with Mama tonight?" Jane asks quietly, her daughter's curls tickling her cheek.

Elise nods her head while she sucks on her thumb. She'll be sleeping soon, Maura knows it. She can only hope things will be the same for Jane. She brushes her teeth and starts to get dressed into her pajamas but stops when she notices Jane just kicking off her jeans without letting go of Elise.

"Jane," Maura sighs and pulls one of her loose fitting pajama T-shirts over her head. "Go get changed," she steps towards her wife and gently tries to take Elise from her. "She's okay, love."

Jane shakes her head. "I gotta-… She…"

"She's not her. Look at her, honey." She places her hand on Elise's cheek who is very close to falling asleep. "It's our Elise, she's just fine."

"I know." Jane takes a deep breath and hands the girl over to her wife. "I'm being stupid." She averts her gaze and heads off towards the bathroom.

"No, Jane-… That's not what I meant." Maura sighs and groans when Elise lifts her head, just after she was almost sleeping.

"Okay, baby," she tucks the girl into her side of the bed and kisses her forehead. "Let's just give Mama some time." She slides into bed next to the girl and sighs deeply, turning on her back and staring up at the ceiling. She wants to help her wife so badly, but she's not sure how. She hears the sound of her daughter's steady breathing next to her and closes her eyes, waiting for Jane to come to bed.

By the time Jane slips into bed next, Elise is sleeping peacefully and Maura smiles tiredly. They turn on their sides facing each other and Maura reaches her arm over Elise to gently caress her wife's cheek. "Hi," she whispers, feeling like she's finally being able to make contact.

"Hi."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Jane shrugs and averts her gaze towards Elise. "I don't know." She carefully reaches out her finger to stroke her daughter's cheek. She bites her lip and looks back at her wife. "Will you hold me?" she whispers, barely audible.

Maura nods, unable to reply. She gets out of bed and slides in behind her wife, pulling herself against Jane's back while wrapping her arm around her slim waist. She presses her lips against the brunette's shoulder and brushes her curls back while she feels Jane's fingers tangling with hers. "I'm here, Jane," her wife's messy curls tickle her nose as she whispers quietly, "I love you so much, sweetheart."

"I love you too," Jane's voice is hoarse and shaky, but her grip on Maura's hand is firm. "Thank you."

"Always." She presses another kiss behind Jane's ear and rests her head on the pillow, pulling the taller brunette as close to her as she can.

The night is anything but peaceful. After only an hour of sleep, Jane wakes up panting. Her nails are painfully cutting into Maura's hand but she barely notices. She soothes her wife with gentle kisses and quiet whispers until her muscles relax and her breathing calms. It happens three times, too many times. It's not until the early hours of the morning that she's finally slept for a few hours straight. If things continue like this, it won't be long until they both go mad.

The next morning, Elise is the only bolt of energy at the breakfast table. She's bouncing in her seat, chatting about something neither of her mothers really understand. "And then- then, Mama," she pokes Jane's arm, "then I's gonna get aaaaall of them!"

"Shh, baby," Jane chuckles and slides her daughter's drink towards her, urging her to finish it. "You're being kinda loud."

"When's school again, Mommy?" she turns towards Maura, her ponytail bouncing.

"Tomorrow. It's Sunday today, remember? Grandma Angela and Uncle Frankie are coming over for dinner tonight."

"Uncle Tommy too?" Elise bounces up in her seat again.

"He might, yes."

"With TJ?" She gets louder with every word, getting more and more excited.

"I don't know, honey." Maura shakes her head. Controlling her volume has never been Elise's greatest talent. "Finish your breakfast now, okay?"

"Maur," Jane looks up from her bowl of cereal, the special unhealthy kind Maura has bought especially for Jane the day after she got back.

"Hm?" 

"When are you going back to work?" 

Maura sighs deeply and puts her coffee on the table in front of her. "Well… I uhm… I might have to go back tomorrow. But, I'm able to take a few more days, it's really up to me…" she looks up at her wife, seeing concern in her dark eyes. She's scared to leave her wife at home, alone with her fears and memories.

"You should go back," Jane nods and manages a small smile. "Can't let the ME office be without you for too long, the place will be a mess when you come back."

"No-… Well, yes. There's a fine Medical Examiner filling in for me, but he's doesn't quite work the same way I do."

"Hm, puts all your things in different drawers?"

"Yes! And that's only the beginning! He has his own way of filing evidence, he has a hard time following the BPD guidelines… And the worst; he always messes with the settings of my chair!"

Jane gasps playfully. "He doesn't!"

"He does-…" Maura starts but tilts her head when she notices the smirk on her wife's face. "You're not taking me seriously." 

"I am! Your chair is important, I've seen that thing."

"You didn't like it."

"Well… It fits in your office. With the masks and all."

"You didn't like the masks either."

"They're a little creepy." Jane stands up to grab some more coffee, leaning down to lightly kiss the blonde's lips. "But they're yours, and I like you very much. More coffee?

"Please." She hands her cup to her wife and watches the woman she loves walking towards the kitchen counter. She's exhausted, but she seems more relaxed. It's as if her secret is no longer pressing on her shoulders, literally. "Seriously Jane," she says softly when she takes the coffee, "I could stay home with you a little longer. I could work from home…"

"You like doing autopsies. Your job's important, Maura. You're the boss over there."

"I do like them. But there are other people that can do my job."

Jane sighs deeply. They both know she's not looking forward to spending the day alone at home with nothing to do but worry. She just doesn't want her wife to put her job on hold for her. She knows how Maura lights up in the ME office, behind her autopsy table, knuckle deep in some victim's open chest. She loves to solve the crime, figure out the puzzle with science. "How about…" she starts and takes a breath before looking up at her wife. "Can you start half days?"

Maura smiles, incredibly relieved to hear her wife requesting what she needs instead of always putting others before herself. "Of course." She reaches over the table and grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together. "I think that's a wonderful idea."

"You could cut open dead people in the morning, spend afternoons at home."

"Sounds absolutely lovely."

"What's cut open dead people?" Elise is sitting on her knees, her brow furrowed as she tries to listen to the conversation she doesn't understand. "Dead?!"

"Oh-… No sweetheart-…" Maura shoots her attention towards her daughter, unsure of how to reply. Jane's laughter echoes in the back of her mind while she tries to come up with an explanation of her job that won't disturb their five-year-old daughter to the bone. "You know how Mommy is a doctor?" 

"Yeah. The boss doctor." She pushes out her chest, proudly.

"And you know how I'm a doctor at the police office?"

"Yeah."

"Well… I help to solve the crimes."

"Crimes?" Elise raises her eyebrows.

Maura sighs and rubs her forehead.

"Yeah, Mommy has such a cool job," Jane stands up and pushes Elise's chair away from the table. "When something bad happens, she helps to find out who did it."

Elise nods but they both can tell she doesn't fully understand. Jane gives up on explaining and lifts her up from her chair. "Mommy's like a superhero. A genius, science superhero."

Elise giggles when her mother sways her through the air. "Like Superman!"

"Yeah! Only Superwoman, of course."

"Can you fly, Mommy?!"

Maura chuckles. "No, sweetheart. I can't."

"I can, look!" She stretches out her arms when Jane twirls her around, faster and faster until they get dizzy.

"Careful, please." Maura stands up and takes Elise from her wife's arms, wrapping her up in a hug against her front. "I just got you back, don't get yourself injured now." She presses a sweet kiss on Jane's lips and squeezes her daughter in her arms until the girl wiggles herself free.

"Again, Mama!"

"No, baby. Mama's back is hurting, one time is more than enough."

"Please? Please, please, pretty please? One more!"

"Don't give in," Maura advises, pointing out her finger towards her wife, "she'll never stop."

"One more, Mama!" 

"Alright, then. One more." Jane lifts her daughter up again, eliciting loud giggles from the girl while she swings her through the air, Maura watching while shaking her head.

"I warned you, Jane." She starts clearing away the dishes and listens to Elise whining about one more time for a solid fifteen minutes after.

When the persistent girl finally gives up, both women have ringing ears and stand next to each other in the kitchen, watching Elise getting out her toys to play. "I want to say I told you so," Maura starts, "but I think she has done that quite well for me."

"Alright, alright." Jane raises her hands in defeat. "You were right, I made a mistake. I'm a little out of the whole mama-thing."

"Don't say that." Maura turns towards her wife and looks up into those dark eyes she loves so much. She kisses her cheek and links her arm with hers while watching their daughter play with her action figures, flying them through the air like Jane did with her. "You'll never be out of being her mama."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N Wow, I'm so sorry for the incredibly late update! Please forgive me. I decided I wasn't done with this story, so here's another chapter. I hope you'll like it._

 **Back to life**

Time is ticking by slowly. One the one hand, Maura is enjoying every minute of being back at work, but on the other hand each minute feels like it lasts an hour. Saying goodbye to Jane was hard that morning. She felt her wife's uneasiness and left as late as possible without getting Elise late for kindergarten.

Jane specifically asked for a to-do list, preferably a long one. So, Maura wrote down every single thing that could be done around the house, from cleaning both bathrooms to getting rid of weeds in the front yard. That way she would keep herself busy, distracted from memories. At least until Maura got home, which would be soon, she realized when she looked at the clock on the wall in the morgue.

"Susie?" She pulls off her gloves and pushes a few buttons on the X-ray machine. "Could you print these, add them to the file and send them to me?"

"Of course, Dr. Isles."

"I have to get going, I uhm-…" she looks around her and moves a few tools. "I'll examine stomach contents tomorrow, meanwhile Todd can get started on those hairs I transferred to their department. We desperately need DNA."

"I'll take the clothes as well," Susie writes down something on her pad and covers the body with a sheet.

"Great, thank you. Text me when there's any news, okay?" She starts brushing her hands clean, looking over her shoulder at her assistant.

"Of course." Susie nods and lowers her pad. "So… How are things at home? Did your wife come back okay?"

"Well…" Maura sighs and turns her attention towards the cold water running over her hands. Jane didn't come back okay. She couldn't lie. "She's-… She's working on it. Physically, she's perfectly fine, thank God."

"Good, good… I'm sorry, I overstepped my boundaries. Just-…" Susie nods politely, "give her my best."

"I will." Maura nods and rubs lotion into her hands, walking out of the morgue. She turns at the door and looks at Susie. "You don't have to apologize, I appreciate your interest." She smiles and walks into her office to change out of her black scrubs and back into her dress and heels.

She drives home quickly, wanting to make sure her wife is okay. When she parks the car into the garage, she hears the sound of the vacuum cleaner in the living room. "Vacuuming wasn't on the list…" she whispers to herself before getting out of her car. "Jane?"

In the living room, Jane is in a pair of shorts and her grey army sweater, her hair pulled up into a high ponytail while she furiously vacuums the carpet. "Jane!"

She jumps and shoots her attention towards her wife, panting from the shock. "Jesus, Maura," she turns off the vacuum cleaner.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She puts her purse on the table and walks around the couch to wrap her arms around her lover's waist, smiling at her before capturing her lips in a sweet kiss. "Hi."

"Hi." Jane smiles but her eyes look tired.

"I don't think vacuuming was on the list."

"No, I finished the list."

"All of it?" Maura furrows her brow, her hands moving up and down her wife's back.

"Well except for the garden, you know I hate gardening."

Maura chuckles and pulls herself against the brunette, resting her head on her shoulder as her wife's strong arms wrap around her upper body. "How have you been?"

Jane shrugs her shoulders. "Okay."

"Really?" She pulls away to look at her.

"Yeah-…" she sighs and nuzzles herself into the crook of Maura's neck. "I had a hard time right after you left and I was alone in the house but I'm fine. I promise."

Maura nods, her arms wrapping even tighter around the slim body against her. "Hmm," she hums in sheer pleasure, nothing beats the feeling of coming home to her wife and wrapping herself up in those arms. "Did you really finish the laundry too?" 

"Still in the dryer."

"Bathrooms?"

"Both of them, Elise's room too."

"Wow." Maura smiles against her wife's curls. "You really have been busy."

"Anything for the Mrs."

"Well, technically we're both the Mrs., so I'm not sure-…"

"Kidding, Maur." Jane chuckles, pulling back to look at her wife with that sweet smirk of hers.

Maura shakes her head and looks into her dark eyes. "God, you're beautiful," she gushes suddenly, unable to keep her thoughts to herself. She raises her hand and cups Jane's cheek, rubbing her sharp cheekbone with her thumb. "Breathtaking, did you know that?"

"No," she whispers before leaning in for a kiss that heats up very quickly. Her arms pulling at the blonde, squeezing her as tight as she can. They break apart when air is necessary. "You have no idea how much I missed this."

"Holding me so tight I can barely breathe?" Maura chuckles and pulls slightly back, resting herself back on Jane's shoulder.

"Sorry. No, I mean-…" she smiles and gently sways them from side to side. "This. Holding you like this. That's probably what I missed the most."

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean. There were nights I barely slept just because the feeling of a part of me missing was so strong." She pulls away to be able to look at the brunette in her arms. "I can't even describe how happy I am to have you back."

Jane smiles but the sadness in her eyes betrays her underlying pain. "I kept dreaming about you," she admits with a shy smirk. "About us, just doing things like having dinner or watching a movie. And then I'd wake up and I had to remind myself that I was alone in a bunkbed. But even those dreams… Sometimes they were so realistic it felt like you were there. It made things a little better over there."

Maura's hands move up and down her wife's back, her eyes sparkling as she listens intently. "When we talked on FaceTime or wherever," she starts softly, continuing their memories of the past few months, "I wished so many times I could just-… just reach through that stupid screen and touch you."

"Through a screen? Dr. Isles that sounds like something Superwoman Elise made up."

Maura laughs and shakes her head. "I know, it's absolutely stupid. But I truly wished it! So many times, when we talked, I heard your voice, saw your face and just couldn't-…" she balls her fists against her wife's lower back, feeling the frustration again, "I just wanted this."

"We have it now," Jane answers.

"For how long?" The question is out before Maura realizes what she said, but she doesn't take it back.

Jane sighs deeply. "You know I don't know."

"I do." Maura shakes her head and buries herself back against the taller woman's shoulder. "I know it's selfish of me," she whispers, "but I want you to stay home longer. I want to be able to come home to you every day."

"I'm a soldier, Maura. That's who I am."

"You're so much more than that, my love." She sighs and moves her hands under her wife's sweater, gently roaming across the cotton tank top. "You're also an amazing mother, a wonderful wife, a kind, strong person, a good friend…"

"All that doesn't really pay the bills, huh?" Jane smirks but doesn't move away from the tight embrace.

"Please, you know it's not about money."

"I wouldn't know who I am if I'm not a soldier, Maura."

"Well…" Maura pauses and lifts her head from her wife's shoulder to look at the taller woman, "maybe it's time to find out."

Jane stays silent for a few seconds, thinking about those words. She takes a deep breath and looks down at her feet. "Maybe."

"Maybe." Maura smiles lovingly, lifting her hand to cup Jane's chin so she can look at her again. She gently presses their lips together in a loving kiss. It's the first time Jane has shown she's open to the slightest possibility of giving up her career as a soldier. Even this little possibility shows Maura that there might be a future without the army in their lives. A future without fear, without missing a part of herself. She hums contently at the idea of coming home to her wife's strong arms every day for the rest of her life. "I love you no matter what, you know that, don't you?" she whispers. "No matter what choice you make." She pulls back and cups her lover's cheek, looking deeply into her dark eyes. "For the rest of my life."

Jane nods. "I know."

They stay silent for a while, simply looking at each other until the sound of the dryer beeping pulls them out of their thoughts. Maura kisses her lover and sighs when she untangles herself. "I'll get the laundry."

"It's fine, I can do it."

"You just get some rest, okay? You're pushing your body to its limits already with all the sleep you've been missing."

"I'm okay, Maur." 

Maura sighs. She doesn't answer. With everything Jane has been through, she's anything but okay. She heads upstairs and pulls the warm, clean laundry out of the dryer and throws it into the bin, taking it to their bedroom where she sits on the bed. She just started to fold a few pairs of socks when her gaze wanders to the wall and her breath hitches in her throat.

"Jane?" she calls for her wife, looking at the dent in the white wall. She stands up, touching the damaged material with her shaking fingers before hurrying downstairs towards her wife.

She finds her putting away the vacuum cleaner. "Jane…" 

"What's wrong?" Jane furrows her brow, noticing the worried look on her wife's face.

"Show me your hands," Maura whispers, a lump stuck in her throat.

"Why?" Jane shrugs, her hands suddenly covered with the sleeves of her sweater.

"Jane, please." Tears fill Maura's eyes as she grabs the brunette's wrist and gently moves the sleeve away, revealing red, bruised knuckles. Her breath hitches in her throat and she lowers her head. "Why didn't you tell me, my love?"

"I said I had a hard time right after you left…"

"But you decided to leave this part out?" Maura asks, tears trickling down her cheeks while she carefully strokes her thumb over Jane's bruised hands. "The part where you traded the boxing bag for a wall?"

"I just needed to feel something-…" Jane whispers, her voice barely audible. "Something else."

Maura closes her eyes, sniffling slightly. "Don't do this, Jane," she hiccups and shakes her head. "Not like this, please."

When Jane doesn't reply, Maura opens her eyes and takes both Jane's hands in hers. "Promise me you won't do this again, Jane. Promise me this was the last time."

"I-…" 

"Promise me." Her voice is stern and her tears keep falling. "Promise me this is not the road you are going to take!"

"Maura…"

"No, no this is not happening. You are not hurting yourself, after all the pain you've been through. Not like this."

"I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"You know I'm in pain whenever you're in pain," Maura whispers, stepping closer to her wife. "My love, please…"

Jane looks at her feet and slowly shakes her head. "I promise," she whispers. "Next time I'll find my way to the yoga room."

Maura nods, unable to speak. "Please." She lifts her wife's hands and carefully presses her lips against the bruised knuckles. "We're not taking this road, okay?"

Jane shakes her head. "No, we're not."

"Now come on, I think it's time to pick up our daughter from school." Maura smiles and wraps her arms around her wife's neck, pulling her in for a final hug. "She'll be so thrilled to have her mama there again."

"As long as I don't have to talk to any of the other moms out there, I'm in."

Maura chuckles and shakes her head. "We can wait in the car."

"Any chance those moms got less pretentious over the past few months?"

Maura purses her lips while untangling herself and grabbing her car keys. "I'm afraid not, no."

"Then the car is a perfect place."


	10. Chapter 10

**Going slow**

"Will you put your plate in the dishwasher please?" Maura answers her daughter's question about leaving the table.

Elise slides off her chair and does as her mother asked, closing the dishwasher a little too harsh.

"Gently!" Maura sighs. "She never learns." She sips from her wine and nods at Jane's plate. "You're not eating."

"I'm not hungry."

"Jane…"

"Mommy!"

"I'm talking to Mama right now, sweetheart-…"

"Can I watch TV?" Elise hops towards the remote.

"Yes, you can."

The TV flashes on and an insane amount of sound fills the room. "Not so loud, Elise!"

"I can't find the button!" the girl struggles with the remote and Maura jumps up from her chair.

"My goodness," she turns the volume down, "who watches TV at this volume?" She shakes her head, turns on the kids channel for her daughter and kisses the girl's forehead before settling her on the couch.

"It helps to clear my mind," Jane moves her vegetables around on her plate. "Sorry, I forgot to turn it back down."

Maura sighs and moves her chair closer to her wife, sitting down while gently combing her fingers through dark curls. "As long as it keeps you from that wall." She presses her lips against the brunette's temple. "You should eat more, Jane. You've lost weight."

"I don't think this will help me gain it," she mumbles while staring at the pieces of cauliflower.

"Nutrients, Jane."

She nods and brings a bite to her mouth, chewing slowly. "Y'know, I kinda missed your healthy superfood meals when I was over there." She smirks slightly, pain of memories yet again visible in her eyes.

Maura chuckles as her arm moves around her wife's shoulders. "Believe it or not, I missed your beer in the fridge too."

"You didn't have beer while I was gone?" Jane furrows her brow. "What did you give Frankie?"

"Oh, he drinks wine."

"Wow, didn't see that coming…"

Maura smiles as she moves herself closer towards her wife. "Family dinners were quiet without you," she whispers.

"Quiet? My family?"

"Everything is quiet without you." She wraps her arms tighter around Jane's shoulders and takes a deep breath while the brunette slowly keeps eating, the sound of the television softly playing in the background.

After a few moments of silence, Jane puts her fork down and sighs. Maura pushes the plate away and kisses her wife's temple, whispering, "I'm proud of you."

"For eating my vegetables?" Jane smirks and turns her head, her forehead touching the blonde's.

"Yes," Maura chuckles, "that, and everything else. For being so strong."

"Strong? Maura-…"

"Strong. For letting me in. Allowing yourself to feel."

Jane doesn't reply. She just lowers her head and turns sideways in her chair. "C'mere," she mumbles without making eye contact, pulling the smaller woman into her lap. Maura eagerly wraps herself around her wife, her head resting into the crook of her neck.

"What are you thinking, my love?" Maura whispers.

She stays silent for a while, contemplating what to say until she sighs and wraps her arms tighter around her lover's waist. "When I close my eyes-… I-… I see…"

She doesn't speak further and Maura waits patiently for her wife to open up.

"It's like I'm over there again. I see Naj-… Her eyes."

Maura just nods, moving her head away to be able to look at Jane. "You're not there anymore."

"I know." She moves her arms even tighter around the doctor's waist. "This-… You remind me."

Their foreheads rest together as Maura's hand gently caresses her cheek. She thinks back to a few nights ago when she had taken a lot of work home with her and Jane had already gone to bed while she kept on working in her study. It led to a panic attack. A bad one. Jane needed her wife to sleep next to her, to be absolutely sure she was back home.

"Jane," Maura whispers carefully, "I'm going to suggest something but please don't get mad-…"

"I don't want to go to therapy, Maura."

"It could help you. Jane," she interrupts her wife when she starts to protest, "you've been through so much. You've been traumatized-…"

"Stop, I know."

"I'm just saying... You've been through hell. Hell. I can't even imagine the things you've seen, the things you've felt." A tear trickles down Jane's cheek and Maura gently wipes it with her thumb. "Maybe you just need a little help processing everything."

"I don't want to be forced to talk to a stranger about what I've been through."

Maura sighs. "It's not forced, you can share whatever you want."

Jane shakes her head and looks down at her lap.

"I just want the best for you, my love," Maura whispers while noticing tears burning in her eyes. "All I want is for you to be happy."

"Honestly? I don't know if it's possible to be happy after the things I've seen."

"Jane…" A tear slips from her eye as she cups her wife's face.

"I mean I can still feel happiness, when I'm with you or playing with Elise, things like that. It's just all laced with this darkness, you know? Like it's all temporary and unreal."

Maura just nods, trying to hide the tears in her eyes by pressing her lips against Jane's forehead. "There will be light again, I promise."

Jane looks up and into Maura's eyes, both holding back tears. "When you say it I almost believe it."

Their lips press together in a gentle kiss that soon turns to passion as Maura hands tangle themselves in black curls and Jane pulls them tighter against each other. The kiss lasts until both women break away for air, a hesitant smile curling their lips.

Light footsteps break them out of their haze and they look up to see Elise standing in front of them. "Mama? Will you watch TV with me?" She reaches out her small hand, concern visible in her dark eyes.

Jane smiles, rubs her eyes free from tears and takes her daughter's hand. "Of course." She lifts the girl up in her arms and presses a kiss on her cheek. "What are we watching?"

"It's about a boy that's also a superhero!" The girl chats excitedly, leaving Maura at the dinner table with a loving smile on her face. She clears away the remnants of Jane's dinner and puts the plates in the dishwasher, repositioning Elise's plate to make sure it will actually be clean later.

After cleaning the table and kitchen, she joins her wife and daughter on the couch. Elise sits in Jane's lap, resting comfortably back against her mother's front while she's intently focused on the television. Maura smiles and takes a seat next to her family, kissing her wife's cheek and the top of her daughter's head.

Jane looks up and smiles shyly while pulling Elise closer against her. "Maybe this is my therapy," she whispers.

"This?" Maura reaches out to stroke her daughter's cheek.

"Yeah, maybe this is enough."

Maura smiles. "Maybe."


End file.
